A fellow member handed me this letter the other day:
Dear friend,
I have come to visit you once again. I love to see you suffer mentally ,physically, spiritually and socially. I want to make you restless so you can never relax. I want to make you agitated and irritable so everything and everybody makes you uncomfortable. I want you...
...to be confused and depressed so you can't think clearly and positively. I want to make you angry and hateful toward the world for the way it is and the way you are. I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everyone but me for the way things are. I want you to be deceitful and untrustworthy, to manipulate and con as many people as possible. I want to make you fearful and paranoid for no reason at all. I want to be the first thing you think about every morning and the last thing you think about before you black out. I'd rather kill you but I'll be happy enough to put you back in the hospital or another institution or jail. I love to watch you go slowly insane. I love to see all the physical damage I am causing you. I can't help but sneer and chuckle when you shiver and shake, when you freeze and sweat at the same time and when you wake up with you sheets and blankets soaking wet. Its amazing how much destruction I can be to your internal organs, while at the same time work on your brain, destroying it bit by bit. And I deeply appreciate how much you sacrifice for me. All the fine friends you deeply cared for, you gave up for me and especially your loved ones, your family, the most important people in the world to you. You even threw them away for me. I cannot express the gratitude I have for the loyalty you have for me. You sacrificed all these beautiful things in life just to devote yourself completely to me. But do not despair my friend, for you can always depend on me. For after you have lost all these things you can stiill depend on me to take even more. You can depend on me to keep you in a living hell...
Forever yours,
Your addiction
Thoughts? Comments? Reactions?
WOW...POWERFUL LETTER !!! Shows me how fragile sobriety can be , how close I can be from letting my defenses down, my tools at rest. I need to constantly be on guard of the cunningness and baffleling power of our disease.I need to keep engaged in the program, the steps, the relationship I'm building with my higher power. I need to stay on top of my Sobriety, on the Beam as much as it remains in wait for me. I need to remain excited about what all life has to offer, keep building a Grateful Heart, understanding the principles of the steps and applying them to my everyday living.Sobriety is a Gift from God, I relish in the rewards it has brought me and the Miracles to numerous to count. Countless friends and Family who Love me for who I am because of AA. Yes, I need reminders of the Power of the Disease, but as long as I keep working on the solutions the disease will remain a helpless bogeyman... Thanks Rick H. for all you do to help me... Harry J.
ReplyDeleteThanks Harry! and thanks for the letter! I had to retype it to get it in post format and when I did I had to think about each sentence. I don't know how to describe my feelings but maybe... I got kind of depressed, angry, sick to my stomach...Thinking about all the damage addiction does to us, our families and friends.
ReplyDeleteHowever, after reflection another thought came to me- How far away I've been removed from those days of alcoholic remorse, loneliness, misery, discouragement and depression.
I really agree with what you said Harry- we cannot take our current state of blessings for granted. We have to keep working the program like a fish who needs to keep moving to breathe.
...and its interesting you and I writing about our gratitude and seeing each other so often at meetings. Is these a connection? You help a lot of people Harry in many ways, but most simply by your enthusiasm and gratitude for this program.
Thanks for helping me keep sober and smiling-
Rick H.