Early in sobriety I was having trouble with the notion of
turning my will and life over to the care of God. I understood all that was
being said and all that I was reading. “Let God be the director”, “turn your
thoughts and actions over to God”, “Let Him in the driver’s seat” and so on and
so on. “I get it. It makes sense. I want
to do this- but I don’t know how.” I shared this frustration at a meeting one
night and someone said, “Just take it easy Rick, one day the step will go from
your head to you heart”. Hmmmmm…was my
thought to this. Don’t really get that either.
Soon after this I’m off to my first sober family vacation.
It was a rough one for me with the 2 little kids and out of my routine and
comfort zone- no meeting to be found anywhere- no phone service.
One morning I wake up and decide I will go fishing in the
river with the rowboat. The river had a strong current. It was cloudy and cold.
I noticed a huge rock down river and decided this was where the fish were- and
if I could just catch a fish I would be so happy. (I was at the moment seriously
restless, irritable and discontented). Only problem was that the rock was up
current. But that didn’t bother me- I started to row-I rowed as hard as I could
for a while and didn't get very far- so I rowed harder- got a little further. I was
determined to get to that rock at any cost- since my belief and my will was
certain I would get there, catch a fish and be happy.
After a couple of hours I made it to the rock-totally exhausted and frustrated
with my plan. I made one cast- caught nothing- and when I got down reeling in I
was halfway back to where I started. I rowed back to the rock one more time- made
one more cast same result- nothing.
So I threw my oars in the boat and thought- Screw it. I'm
just going to lay in the boat- it can go wherever it wants- I’m done. Immediately
the sun came out and it started warming up with a nice summer breeze. The boat
went merrily down the current; it neared a bank where a large deer came out
from a tree and looked right at me. It seemed to be very glad to see me. It wasn’t
frightened.
Down the river...more sunshine and warm breeze. It occurred to me
that I was now really relaxing and calming down. I was enjoying the ride. I was
not fighting for my will.
Then in an instant the God moment. It was like a bolt of lightning. “This is the 3rd step, I wanted
to scream.” I had been doing my will convinced I knew what to do to make myself
happy. And my belief was all wrong. It didn’t matter how much I tried to get to
the rock and catch a fish - I wasn’t going to get what I wanted- its not what I needed. Then when I let go and let God take
over, He gave me what I he knew I really needed; some peace.
With this realization- the promise came shooting into my
spiritual conscience- “One day the step will drop from you head to your heart”.
Rick,
ReplyDeleteThis is really good. This fits perfectly into my story right now. The only difference is that I've been sober for a while. Sometimes my head hardens over night without warning. In a quit time yesterday it came to me that I'm always training to become more independent, when in fact, God's plan is just the opposite. The program seems to work the same way. Imagine that. Anyhow, why didn't you cast downstream? Maybe the fish had the same director. Just kidding, always looking for a new hole
Dan E
Great story Rick! Really drives home the point. My ah ha moment came in treatment when I was locked up. Talk about not being in control, lol! I already had had a relationship with a loving and wise God who gave me free will. He let me prove to myself that my way did not work, but then extended grace and said welcome back when I realized my best thinking nearly got me killed and would He please resume directing my life :)
ReplyDeleteOn March 16, 2012 I was in my bedroom with 26 Bags of Heroin and 250 dollars in my pocket. As I began to open the first bag this overwhelming sense of dread came over me. Almost as if I knew if I did these bags I would surely die. I threw the drugs down the toilet and on March 17, 2012 took a bus to a detox center and began my journey. If anyone out there has ever used Heroin, you have to absolutely, positively know that only GOD intervening on my behalf, could ever make a heroin addict throw 26 bags of heroin in the toilet. Not as romantic as your story Rick, but exactly the same effect on me and my life as was yours. Keep going my friend--these blogs are becoming my oasis--Thank You!!!
ReplyDeleteGood story, Rick, it looks like God had a better idea for your training. I especially liked the part where you are rowing upstream. As you good friend, I can see you doing this. When it was time to relax though, you did the right thing. Keep these entries, coming… I will keep reading.
ReplyDeleteRob
Thanks for the comment Rob. You know me well my brother. Rick
ReplyDelete