Monday, September 8, 2014

Recovery from alcoholism- A promise







I have been in meetings with lots of newcomers to AA during my years of sobriety. I listen to their struggles from both a life perspective and most intently from an emotional perspective. They describe their fears, remorse, depression, loneliness, along with their desire to stay sober. The pain in their faces is not hard to recognize. Neither is the uncertainty of their lives to follow….

I remember this time in my life very well.  I remember thinking, well I may not ever drink again (nor do I want to), but this is for sure: I will never laugh or enjoy laughing again like those guys sitting at that front table yucking it up all meeting long.



Continuing on this line of thinking, I just coldly accepted that I would just be miserable in most areas as I trudged through life without escaping through alcohol. Even with this thought, I  kept going forward,  remembering my first night in the treatment center room, alone, scared, wanting to just not wake up in the morning… alcoholic loneliness and remorse my sponsor later told me.

This dreariness went on for months in my sobriety. However, all along I would hear things like, “This too shall pass, wait for the miracle, just do the next right thing and things will get better"…

I couldn’t really imagine this, but I was in “AA bootcamp": where you weren’t given too much time to dwell on your negative thinking. Action in the program was the driving philosophy of the experienced mentors in my group. Meetings, working the steps, spiritual retreats, helping newcomers with less time than me, service work like chairing meetings and giving leads.

“It doesn’t matter how you feel, they said, it matters what you do. Good feelings will follow good actions. You can’t think your way into good living, you have to act your way there. If you don’t want to do this stuff,  act as if you do… and then do it.”
Ok, OK I thought. What else can I do anyway? My way didn’t work. Alone things were not good for me.

Somewhere around 8 or 9 months in the program I was driving in my car. I have no idea where I was going, but something happened to me that I will never forget. This was more than 22 years ago.  Seemingly out of nowhere,  a feeling of well-being came over me in a great wave. I felt a sense of peace and contentment that I only remembered from childhood. For the moment, everything was ok. The world, my past, the future, me….everything was ok. This new feeling stunned me and then I started to cry tears of joy and relief. I cried so hard I had to pull my car over. I don’t remember when exactly I called my sponsor, but the essence of my message/question was this....

"What was that all about? Am I losing it or something?"

He laughed, and said,  “Oh no, this is a little of the promises coming true for you. This is the miracle people have been telling you about. This is the results of your work to-date- being blessed by God. His suggestion:  thank God, share what happened at  AA meetings (especially with newcomers), cry all you want, and then get back to work.

My hope is that no one leaves until their miracle happens.

When was the first time you have felt a strong sense of joy and/or peace in your recovery?

4 comments:

  1. I had had a long dry drunk and had had many fun times during that time due to what at the time was my new devotion to Christ. However, I battled depression all during that time.

    I began to drink eventually as a temporary relieve to my depression. I had a lot of guilt during that time thinking about being a Christian and being a drunk at the same time.

    I had a great great relief in inpatient treatment as I recommitted my life to Jesus.

    The other was during a short stretch of time when I got the job I still have, and my depression went away around that time too as my body chemistry finally got adjusted to not having alcohol in it. My sponsor kept telling me about the promises and that my depression would go away.

    Nearly 4 years without depression! So much alcoholic thinking understood and dealt with, but oh my, so much more work to be done!

    ReplyDelete
  2. PEACE: My father died 18 years ago on Father's day--This past Father's day I went to the cemetery and read a letter I had written making some amends and finally getting the chance to finish our last conversation. Afterwards, in my car, I felt at complete peace for the first time in my recovery.
    JOY: My first sober Christmas with my very large Italian family. For the first time in 25 years my sister didn't have to buy my gifts for the kids and my mother didn't have to make any excuses for my sudden disappearance. I was able to experience the joy of Christmas with my family!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Transformation! "complete peace" Terrific! Thanks Steve

      Delete